Some Lies Mostly Truths

November 1, 2017

I am listening to the Modern Love podcast while editing my latest in my steadily growing tropical fruit series and came across what I wrote for Modern Love's 13-year anniversary. They asked readers to submit their love stories in only 13 words. Here's mine:

It ended where it began: railways. So much still there; everything left unspoken.


While my excerpt did not get published, this was a good exercise for me. Writing this was also very integral to my healing.

I am reminded of where I was half a year ago, and even two and a half years ago. A lot sure has changed. I am very much changed.


I had grand plans for some major self-care stuff today. I bought some new modifiers and was going to do a new self-portrait. I was going to pick up a pint of White Chocolate & Pistachio ice cream and buy myself flowers. I was even thinking about dragging one of my best friends out to get a burger and a strawberry milkshake. And then finish the day off with Netflix and some chocolate.

But here I currently am, holed up in my ridiculously tiny apartment sick as a dog, wishing someone would deliver me some spicy soup. It would seem winter has finally caught up with me, and after evading this bug for so long, it has me in its horrible reins, and I could not be more miserable.

I was in denial when I woke up with a headache, stuffy sinuses, and a raw nose; 'thought I could somehow shoot my way through this darned sick feeling. I set up my lights, set up my props, and shot away, but gave up halfway through my studio hour feeling mighty dizzy (and FREEZING). I did manage to get a couple of shots, one with anthuriums (you can find that image here), and one with these beautiful pink proteas I snuck through the border from my most recent trip to Seattle. I got to fulfill one of my self-care tasks today, at least: I got to make art. My self-portrait will have to wait.

I am having a terribly tough time outside of this bug. It's that same nagging feeling of having these very loose roots but not having enough financial freedom to get myself rooted somewhere that feels like home. Something has to change. I don't know what yet. I am not entirely sure an uprooting will change what I am feeling here... but it sure will help in a big way... I think.

I am delirious right now so I should end it here. Time to hunt through my fridge for something that will resemble Self-Assuredness, Certainty, and Home. Perhaps all are there; I just can't seem to see them in my horizon yet.